It's funny. I am so thankful to know the forgiveness of Christ. All I want to do is tell people about it. Not to brag, but because I want them to have what I have. I get that not everyone cares. That's okay, ignore me. But, I know there are many who do need and want what I have to offer. I have experienced it, and Christ explicitly said there would always be people searching for what He has to offer. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out the most effective way to reach those people.
I have lots of thoughts and theories... lots of things I've tried. It's frustrating sometimes. I wish I had special powers to round up all the people nearby who care and just study, teach and answer questions. I wish I had some special vision that could see "through" people to know their heart (Yes, this is impatience and a lack of trust in God). Sometimes I want to be the crazy bullhorn guy (The end is near!). Sometimes I think it's all about having that intimate relationship with people you are trying to reach ahead of time. Sometimes I think I need to convince people with logic. Sometimes I think I need to convince them with emotion.
Almost always - it's a combination of all of them and a thousand other variables which are only controlled by God.
Unfortunately, I often do nothing. It used to be about fear. Now, it's more about frustration...maybe a little about disappointment. The Counting Crows sang that sometimes there's a "feeling like it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls." I want to tell everyone and I'm not embarrassed about it. The issue is not so much the initial offer, it's the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time that drag on me...all oysters, no pearls. So it does get easy to let apathy creep in; to start to feel the "why try."
It's a feeling derived from rejection. It may or may not be true, but it is still sensed nonetheless. The rejection may be perceived to be from other people or from God. Either way, it often has the same effect: apathy. I just want some people who want to know and grow as much as I want to teach and nurture. That is my prayer.
To be honest, this is a big part of what sustains me spiritually. And if this sounds spiritually devoted, it isn't as noble as it sounds. I know that it is in teaching that I work the hardest in my own study. I know that it is in my counseling that I pray the hardest. I find it much more difficult to be fully engaged with God when I feel as if I am not actively working towards his ends.
This can be a weakness on many fronts and is probably exactly why I am going through this at this time in my life. God recognizes my ability to teach, to nurture, to educate others. And he knows I am strongest, or my Christianity is "easiest" in these times. Ipso facto, when I am not in these times they are opportunities for God to strengthen me, or challenge me to more fully rely on him as my Christianity is "weaker"...at least in its feel.
The bottom line is it does matter: for this life and the next. Accepting the Gospel of Jesus Christ changes you forever. I know I can't force it, and I don't want to. There are plenty of people who are willing. But just tell me if you want to learn. Don't make me guess. I don't want to spin my wheels if you really don't care, don't just patronize me. But know that what I believe, what I love and know to be the truth, is for everyone.
I've realized recently that "selling" Christianity is often not the problem. Rather, for many people, it's the "busy." Getting people who are otherwise happy (at least on the shallow level) to slow down long enough to assess who they are and what they live for, is far more challenging. People who are hurting, who either have no daily rhythm or their rhythm has been interrupted, are much easier to effectively offer something new to. Christ spoke of this idea in different places in scripture, and I've seen it play out for 6 years now.
In the end, it's not easy. But feeling apathetic, or victimized by your spiritual opportunities is not only counter-productive, but also flatly untrue. Remember, simply because you see yourself as prepared to give more to God, as having reached a new "plateau" of preparedness for service to Him - doesn't mean you are where God wants you to be. You have simply looked at a situation and assessed yourself to be in the place you want yourself to be.
It's like I tell me three year old, "don't worry about everyone else around you, you worry about yourself." You have a lot to continue to do to better yourself for God. And keep planting and watering seeds. But remember, it's only God who can make them grow, not you. Take the talents you have been given, in the time and places you have been given them, and make the most out of them everyday. If you are ready for something, or someone, or somewhere else, God will present that opportunity. Have Colossians 3:23 on your lips every day, and go.
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